One Saturday morning I woke up before the sun came up. This is likely because I was in bed and sleeping by 9:30 the night before. Nonetheless, I was wide awake early in the morning hours, several hours before I needed to be up for the day. Since I knew I’d continue to lie there restlessly, I got up. I decided to seize this opportunity for a bit of “me” time. I’d do things I don’t always have the time to do and enjoy the quiet silence for a while. As always in this scenario, the time passed much more quickly than I’d have liked. I didn’t have time to do even a fraction of the things I’d considered doing. Before I knew it, the extra hours had passed and it was time to get on with my day.
I sat there thinking for a bit, dreading the rising of the sun. You see, when the sun rises and the rest of the world is awakened, I have responsibilities. It is then that I have to start behaving like a regular person. I must work and provide things for people. I must answer my cell phone and check emails. I must fix my hair and apply makeup. Things are so simple and easy before the sun rises. I can sit quietly and sip coffee intentionally. I can stay in the comfort of my favorite, fuzzy pajamas. No one needs me. No one notices whether I’m asleep or awake.
Regardless of my longing for it to stay quiet and dark a little longer, the sun rises anyway, as it does everyday. The fact of the matter is, the sun is going to continually rise and set each day, even if I’m not ready for it to. Even if I’d like a few more hours of darkness, the sun will still rise. Even if I need a few more hours of light in which to accomplish things, the sun will still set. It’s out of my control, you see, as are so many other things.
This past weekend, I spent many hours on the couch with a migraine, listening to the rain fall. Even after the headache eased, I continued to sit still. I didn’t feel the need to rush about, tidying this or that. I didn’t feel compelled to leave the house for groceries or other errands that plague the everyday. I have known for quite some time that these rainy days rejuvenate my soul. Things are quieter and more relaxed. I have a excuse to not leave the house and I often rest more as the rain falls. On Sunday, our house was quiet most of the day, with only the sounds of rainfall and the occasional passing car, splashing through puddles as they zoomed by. Days like this remind me of those early morning hours where I’m seemingly the only one awake. I equate the rain with those dark, morning hours, both of which I’m reluctant to see vanish. Nonetheless, I know that the rain must ease eventually and that the sun must rise and set, regardless of my desires for them.
It’s in these dark, quiet hours though, that I unwind and explore my own thoughts. Most of the time, like this day, I can’t hardly put them into words. I feel inspired and full of thoughts, yet none of them can be deciphered enough to create an intelligent thought. The common denominator is though, that I’m always searching for peace. Most of these thoughts center around creating peace in my relationships, peace in my daily life, peace in my career, and peace within my home. As I let my mind fully wander, I almost always go towards an area where I’m striving to feel centered and at peace. And as the sun rises, I feel my control over that peace slowly slip away. Soon, the phone will ring. Soon, I’ll hear cars speeding by. Soon, I’ll begin to feel guilt over not having yet checked my email. Life’s responsibilities lie in the sunshine. As my home brightens with the rising sun, I know that I must go back to the grand performance that is my life. Act One begins just as the curtain of darkness rises, and the show must go on.